Worth it.

For a while after our scary experience with Penn's overdose, I felt a calm and I trusted God completely. I was in awe of His love and care for me. but recently fear has crept in. Fear of losing Penner, fear of another allergic reaction, fear of ever having to take him to the ER again. I know ridiculous right?

I have been reading this blog about a very faithful women who loses her child and is following God in the midst of her grief. I am also reading forgotten God by Francis Chan. In Francis Chan's book he challenges us to really seek the truth. He challenges to seek the truth about our own lives and if we really desire to have God (the Holy Spirit) lead us. So I am asking myself, am I willing to follow God no matter what? As I am thinking about this, I am also reading that blog, which takes me through my worst fear, losing my child. And then I have to ask myself is God worth it? And if I am honest, I can't always answer that yes. It is a struggle, it is a fight to answer yes, God you are worth it.

So in the midst of this struggle I am feeling sick and I just want to forget about it, I don't want to have to surrender, I just want to go on living life pretending I never had these thoughts. And then He speaks to me and I know. God is God, and His will is His will. Whether I choose to trust Him in easy times or hard times. Whether or not I choose to live in fear or in His comfort and peace is up to me. But nothing I do can change His will. He is the same yesterday and today and forever. I know that He loves me and my family and all of us. I know that whatever is in His will for my life, fear will not change anything, it will just make me miserable. So the answer is He is so worth it. I am not the one taking a risk in trusting Him, whatever He has for me I know He will see me through it.

I know that this may seem a little random, but fear has always been a huge struggle for me. It is paralyzing sometimes, but the truth is my fear won't change anything that happens it will just change how I deal with it. And that truth brings freedom and joy and peace.

A wise women who loves the Lord once told me to bring my fear into the light so that I can expose how crazy and stupid it is (paraphrasing). That is what I am doing I know that it is silly to worry about these things but when I keep them all inside it seems like all those fears are reality so here I am bringing them to light. Exposing them for what they are, stupid.